"What's With The Stuff In The Trunk, Eh?"

(June 14, 2003)

"You know how I went to meet that girl...the Internet girl?"

"Yeah, in Albany, right?" Hub and I were at Giuseppe's, a FABulous Italian restaurant in Porter Square that Michelle and Aaron turned me onto last week. He was telling me about finally meeting, in person, a girl he'd met online. He'd been chatting with her, they'd been getting to know each other, and then last Wednesday he went to visit.

"Well...she's kind of near Albany. But...it's actually in Canada."

"Why'd you tell me Albany?"

"I was having trouble admitting it. Yes, I drove to Canada last week." He'd already told me how the date went, that she seems cool, she's good company, not at all the kind of annoying, high-maintenance girl I'd be rolling my eyes at. But he'd left a key element out of the story. "...so, what I didn't realize was, I still had Thermos Pimpington stuff in the trunk."

"Oh no! But...wait, how did she see what was in the trunk?"

"She didn't. Border patrol, on the other hand..."

"Noooooo. Was the dildo in there?!"

"Yep. And the baby coat. Fright wigs. Masks. Everything spackled with blood."

"Oh NO! What'd they say?"

"They said, 'could you come with us, please?'" The Dudley Do-Rights escorted Hub to a little room and questioned him intently about the ghastly horrors in his trunk. He explained what HAD to sound like the classic "that isn't mine, I'm holding it for a friend" defense. "My roommate has a band, and these are his props." They of course wanted to know exactly what kind of "band" this was, and by the way, what does this "roommate" do with a coat made out of baby dolls? And where in the act does a large black dildo, er, fit?

"They were just ITCHING to keep me there," Hub said, "but there really wasn't anything they could make stick. The worst part was, they asked me exactly why I was in Canada. I had to say 'it's, um...a date?'

"Oh no! An INTERNET date...and you're packing sex toys and disguises."

"Exactly. They called her."

"They did NOT!"

"Oh yes. They wanted to know where she lived and all that. They got her on the phone and said, 'How well do you know him? We can stop him right here and send him home if you want.'"

"They seriously CALLED her? I didn't know they could do that!"

"Apparently they can. They didn't want some crazed American crossing the border to sully one of their virginal Canadian girls."

"For fuck's sake, she must have been laughing her ass off."

"She was. But I felt so dirty."

Tonight, I did the Druid thing with the prodigal Rick and Jess and the kids in their gang. I left there and went to Allston to hang with Joe for awhile (one of the kids in MY gang), then I left there to pick up Hub and Thermos from the cab company, and we went to get some food at Bickford's. 4 am. I needed meat.

"Did you tell Thermos about Toronto?" I asked Hub, digging into steak and eggs. "Not yet," he said, and proceeded to do so. I could tell that Thermos had no idea it was going to be a story about border patrol investigating the horror that is Voodoo Screw, and he of COURSE got a big kick out of it. "And that dildo," he said, "is not in the trunk anymore."

"It's not?"

"No, I needed it."

With Thermos, in general, I've learned that it's best not to ask...