Bridled

(March 05, 2007)

So there was a bridal shower on Saturday. Joe's sister. "I HATE those!" was the response from one of my friends who'd asked "So what'd you do this weekend?" Actually my weekend activity report was met with a range of reaction from an eyerolling "feh" to an enthusiastically objectioned "ugh!" If they're this objectionable, how come people are still having showers?

"I just don't get the whole 'gift' thing," someone else said, "not for a wedding." (I think he meant that baby showers are a different story, which makes sense. Babies don't have shit. They haven't been collecting flatware and bedding for years; they've got soft heads and no assets.)

It can be surreal if you think about it too long, the whole "gift" thing. Especially when the couple has registered somewhere (which they all do) so you, the guest, find yourself basically helping to furnish an apartment. "I am happy for your nuptial contract," we seem to say, "and so here is...a pan...I know it is not a surprise pan from my heart, because you asked for it online, but still, it is my token of gratitude for...I guess for um...letting me be happy for you. Fry well into the future together." And onward down the registry list. Pot holders. Pillow cases. Tons of stuff. Hub and I used to swear that we were going to just tell everyone we got married secretly and oh, by the way, here is where we registered. Because if it's in a wedding registry, people will buy you ANYthing. Shit nobody needs but is kinda cool anyway. See, because we lived together so long, there wasn't anything we really "needed," but we sure loved to walk around Crate and Barrel. "Oooooh, ceramic chip and dip server! OOOOH, CHEESE DOME!" One walk through that fucking store and we went from "Feh, we don't need to get married" to "OOOOH, CHEESE DOME!"

Cheese dome? Cheese dome. When you're thinking about registering for gifts, suddenly a cutting board with plastic wrap isn't good enough for cheese. You must have the dome.

Now that I'm older and live a simpler life, I think if I ever have a wedding I'll set up some kind of charity thing. I donate to DebRA myself (I invite you to please check it out) but the Just Giving website has a ton of charities linked. I dunno. Maybe that's a dumb idea. It's just that I guess I'd feel stupid owning a hot dog cooker ("you mean a pot of boiling water?") and an omelet maker ("you mean a pan?") when so many people have so little. I shouldn't even be eating cheese, hot dogs or omelets anyway, know what I mean?

Oh, I know what would rock: isn't there anywhere that acts like a registry for real estate? Like some conglomerate who'll broker a fund that many people can contribute to just like they buy gifts from Bed, Bath and Beyond? Because by the time they're done with all the shower and wedding shit, your friends' contributions could probably give you a pretty decent down payment on a house. NOW we're talking! Forget the chip and dip server, buddy - you just use what we all use, a small bowl set down beside a big bowl. Take the $44.95 plus shipping and help me buy a sunny Colonial in Brighton just steps from the T and shopping.

EsGrow.com, it could be called. Get it? Like Escrow?

Come on, that's huge. Somebody start the real estate registry and call it EsGrow.com.

A house, I'll get married for. Cheese dome, I can buy my own.