It's a Classic Re-Run!

(January 06, 2007)

I know this isn't fair, firstly because I just put up an entry for today already, and secondly because what follows is merely an excerpt from a really old entry. You see, I just clicked back thru some archives, and laughed so helplessly at this one that I just have to share it. To set it up: Hub is my ex, and at the time I wrote the following, we'd been separated for awhile, living apart, but were (and are) still friends. I was just starting to get involved with Joe (who I live with now) and I was managing the band Joe was in at that time. So in this entry, I was doing an advance trip to Philly to prep for a gig I'd booked for Joe's band and Hub came with me and drove.

On the drive it was pissing rain through five states. We couldn't agree on the best exit to take out of Philly. Traffic in New York and New Jersey was a slug race. We were ready to kill each other, and I could not stop laughing. I swear to god I must have laughed for five straight hours. It was Hub, he gets hilarious when yelling at traffic and stupid shit. I should point out that when I was in college in New York, Hub was in college in Pennsylvania. He has Pennsylvania drivers, New York drivers, and New Jersey drivers categorized, and his theories are constantly tested and proven. I know, most of you think Hub is quiet and reserved. Get in the car with him. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mister GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, ASSFUCK! The thing that makes me lose my shit laughing is a)what he comes up with to rant about and b)he spontaneously invents new insults. Because of Hub-rants, we have expressions like "shit hook" in our private arsenal of insults. As in "the only thing you're good for is hanging shit on, you shit hook."

And then there's New Jersey. I don't know if there's anything that New Jersey has ever produced that Hub likes.

"LOOK at that. That is a CELL TOWER and they tried to make it look like a TREE." I looked around and found the "tree" he was fuming at. He was quite right. It looked like someone tried to disguise a...a cell tower...with like...fuzzy green stuff. About as convincing as holiday garland glued to a bike rack. I got the giggles and couldn't stop. "Seriously though, Jesus Christ! That is the WORST fake tree I have ever seen!" God help us if we need gas in New Jersey. (In case you don't know, you can't pump your own gas there, it's been that way forever). "Why. WHY?" and then later, after a particularly egregious set of near-misses and radio reports of accident after accident on I-95, "They can't pump their own gas because they CAN'T BE TRUSTED! How many gas stations had to blow up...is there a mandatory course called HOW TO DRIVE LIKE AN ASSHOLE?"

Just before New York, Hub had to use the bathroom, so we pulled into a rest stop somewhere a few towns before the Meadowlands. "Portapotties?! THAT is not going to work for me."

"But you just have to pee-- just don't touch anything!"

"Nooo, I have to drop the kids off at the lake too, and I prefer not to sit down somewhere where I'm going to get the clap!" He pulled out of the rest area and we headed north again. Another toll. "FUCKING NEW JERSEY!" Then, ah, the Vince Lombardi rest area ahead...only, he exited too soon. "What is this...did I just bone us? Oh no...NOOOOOOO!" Indeed, we were being funneled off towards Giant Stadium. There was no other way back except to go through the toll again. "NOOOO! WHHYYYY is New Jersey such a FUCKBUCKET!!"

Add "fuckbucket" to the list of on-the-spot Hub-rant insults.

"This Vince Lombardi station better freakin' be open. I'm pinching it off at both ends here! If this place is closed I'm...I'm gonna crap on their sidewalk! I'm gonna dig a little hole in the snow and leave a steamer right on top!"

The Vince Lombardi station was open.

We got Cinnabons.

I eventually recovered from the giggles and now the thought of "WHHYYYY is New Jersey such a FUCKBUCKET!!" only undoes me for about one minute instead of five or ten minutes. (....laugh break here...) Hoo. God, that was funny. Anyway, somewhere in the "in excess of one hour" wait to get onto the George Washington Bridge, Hub said, "Jeez."

"What."

"Joe is really gonna hate THIS entry."

"How do YOU know I'm even going to write about this?"

"You're already composing it in your head."

I totally was, too.