Open Letters

(November 10, 2008)

Dear self,

Next time, realize the difference between your eye cream and your acne treatment. Maybe read a label? I don't know why it took until the third night to realize you're dabbing eye cream on the pimple and dotting Salicylic Acid on the tender eye-adjacent skin. And don't try to protest that the old eye cream used to come in a little tube, but the new one is in a little tub, and the old acne cream came in a little tub, while the new one is in a little tube. While true, that's just stupid. Think a little non-blinding skin care is in order? Good, thanks.

Dear Guy Who Works At Allston Collision,

I pass your auto repair shop every workday, every week, in all seasons, at various times of morning dependent upon whether I am working an early shift or late shift. And no matter when I pass, it seems that nine times out of ten you are yelling your damn head off. It doesn't matter if you're asking a customer what time they'll be back to pick up their car, putting in your coffee order, or signaling a driver that he has plenty of room to back up -- you're YELLING. You don't seem to realize that you're telling THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD to cut the wheel left. You're like that guy that hawks the Oxy-clean on TV, except I have no mute button for you. So could you maybe just kind of shut the fuck up? Thanks.

Dear neighbors at 1315 Commonwealth,

You have GOT to stop leaving the building unsecured. When you come in, use your key to turn the lock to open the door, but then TURN THE KEY BACK again. Don't you understand that you are LEAVING THE DOOR UNLOCKED? And when you leave the door unlocked, BAD GUYS CAN GET IN? I understand the neighborhood is fairly safe and all, but why court danger? If my apartment should happen to get burgled, I'm coming after you.

Dear Other Chicks On My Floor At Work,

How about a courtesy flush after you drop a deuce in there, hm? I don't want to live like I'm in a Harold & Kumar movie. I don't really need to see your poo remnants streaking the bowl, and since we all know that Earl cleans the bathrooms about once a month here, let's give each other a break -- one more flush before you go, that's all I ask. Thanks.