Tawonda, Thirty-Three Candles and the Evil Avocado

(May 30, 2004)

Hot pepper claimed no lives on Thursday night. And it turns out that Scott likes really spicy food so he dug the atomic death scallops. He was way late. I forgot that he's late to everything; I should have told him 6:00 so he might have an outside chance of making it by 7:30. But it was fine, we had fun gossiping about crazyness and telling secrets. After dinner I left the musicians to geek out and I watched Fried Green Tomatoes, which I'd found at an Allston thrift store that day for two bucks.

God I love that movie. TAWONDA! Me and Jeffrey went to see it when it came out, he being from the south and all, and it STILL makes me laugh when Kathy Bates takes a sledgehammer to the wall saying, "I need more light in here!" "You should watch this with me!" I'd told Joe when I brought it home. His reply, "That's a chick movie!", has nothing to do with the fact that his all-time, unparallelled el supremo favorite movie is Sixteen Candles. Chick movie? He likes a movie that was appropriate seventeen candles ago! BAH. Fried Green Tomatoes is way better than Sixteen Candles.

I have this wood-burning tool and when my mom opened her restaurant in 1992 I burned "Tawonda" into the handle of a sledgehammer which she later used to take down a wall.

Did you see Hub's entry in the guestbook? That's because if he even licks a scallop he'll start throwing up until he's dehydrated. That didn't stop my mom from feeding him scallops one year on Christmas Eve. Oh sure, it's funny NOW. We're all at the table eating her boulliabasse when my dad goes, "JoAnne, these are great, what are those, bay scallops?" I have no idea why he asked that, I couldn't tell you the name of any other kind of scallop to save my life and I'm sure he couldn't either. But, as though scripted for the utmost comedic effect, Hub and I instantly stopped mid-bite and stared across the table at each other in utter horror.

"Mom! Scallops?!" or something to that effect was what I said when I could muster the words. I mean, this was serious. Because we have fish every single Christmas Eve since time began I made sure to tell her about a hundred times: no scallops. You have to tell her a hundred times or it doesn't stick. For twenty years she's called my high school best friend Diane instead of Diana. Our cat Chloe of twelve years was always called Cleo. After twelve years of living in Boston she still asks how long it takes to drive from my house to her house. Every. Time. You simply give up after awhile, except about the scallops. Every year: no scallops, mom.

So the question was, did she remember about the scallops or just not think it important?

"OH, they're just cut up in the soup, he should be fine!"

The didn't-think-it-important thing.

Just in case you were considering sneaking someone's food-allergy food into dinner: the size of the post-cooked food morsel does not make a difference. That's why it says "warning: trace amounts of peanuts may be present in this candy bar" on any candy bar that even shares a factory with a peanut. People can't have nuts! Or scallops! The size of the scallop chunk makes no difference going in and it sure as heck made no difference coming back out again. All night. Violently. I'd seen Hub sick on scallops twice before and it's not pretty. There's nothing you can do for him, it's just got to all come out so he can drink some water and then sleep.

I remember that night she kept getting up to say the exact same thing, "Should we be doing something? I feel bad."

Maybe this is why I have sucn an extensive list of my friends' allergies and dislikes. I keep meaning to write it down. I probably should, it's getting more unwieldy as I get older and gain more friends.

Michelle: no red meat, chicken okay
Aaron: no carbs
Joe: no eggplant, light on mushrooms and dairy
Scott: no dairy
Nancy: no carbs
Paula: no meat, no chocolate
Jim: no beans
Laura: no peppers
Kannan: no meat, no mushrooms
Jen: no celery, no eggplant
Wolf: no raw vegetables
Neil: no alcohol, no vegetables except green beans
Hub: no scallops
Christine: no meat of any kind
Dan: no cilantro
Tanya: no sticky-notes

Incidentally, I hate cilantro too. Blech.

Actually that list should have another column for foods that are favorites; then it could be like:

Michelle: no red meat, chicken okay; LOVES TRUFFLES
Aaron: no carbs; LOVES MEAT
Joe: no eggplant, light on mushrooms and dairy; LOVES SCALLOPS
Scott: no dairy; LOVES OLIVE OIL and SPICY .............etc