Fun and Games

(November 19, 2003)

Brendan Fraser was just on Carson Daly talking about whether or not he's going to play Superman. "Do you think I can pull it off?" he sheepishly asked the audience members, who promptly woo'ed. I'm not real crazy for the on-cue woo, generally speaking. But I like Brendan Fraser. If he does play Superman, that means Blast From The Past will have had Batgirl and Superman in it. I love Alicia Silverstone. I remember when my friend Rogerio said that she looks SO much better when she puts on a few pounds. Heh. Brazilian men. They make my world nicer.

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City Confidential is one of the true crime shows that I've been watching since forever. There's also Cold Case Files and Investigative Reports and FBI Files and The New Detectives. But City Confidential in particular stands out. The copy for this show is so bad...okay, let's back up: this is the show that gave The Irresponsibles the inspiration for their "Ballad of Lobster Boy," not to be confused with the song of the same name by ex-Blake Baby/Lemonhead John Strohm. The Irros tune is not only a fabulous slice of power pop heaven, it's a funny song. It starts off with a harmonized croon wondering "Why did he have to die?" and contains brilliant lines like "He was a man but he was also a crustacean" and "He wondered when he would become a Lobster Man." So Pete and Andrew were watching City Confidential one night and, assisted no doubt by a whole mess of pot, totally lost it at the line "The media was attracted to the lobster boy story like a tornado to a trailer park!" Okay see? That is pure City Confidential. The other day I heard, "Roberto's death hit the Polo community like a wooden mallet smashing into a bowl." And apparently Youngstown, Ohio is the "dented and discarded buckle of the rust belt." I just can't help thinking it's a joke some writer is playing. "Hey. Look what I wrote. Heh heh heh...ha ha...HA HA HA! Did Bill see it? Bill, look what Bob wrote..."

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Al Roker looks like a bobble-head doll of himself.

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So Joe's playing his new Playstation game, Army Men. If you haven't seen this thing, basically, you play as green plastic army men and you wage war against the tan army on battlefields consisting of the back yard, the kitchen and the attic. In Davis Square the other day, I went to Family Dollar for toothpaste and toilet paper and I saw, for a buck, a bag of army men. So last night when he went to the bathroom, I put real army men all around the desk. On the speaker, on the remote, the CD stack, the mail. All pointing their guns at him. Then I went back to my book (okay, it's not a BOOK, I'm reading a collection of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons, okay?!) and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and laugh. At the army men. See because like, the video game has...the...army men so the real ones...uh...do I have to explain why it's funny? He came out of the bathroom and picked up the Playstation control. Resumed play.

Nothin'.

I went back to my Calvin and Hobbes.

Like an hour went by.

"I can't believe he doesn't see them!" Okay, from where I was sitting? It was like a swarm of army men had overtaken the desk. Real tiny little green machine-gun guys and rifle-guys cast tiny little silhouettes on the TV screen, across which swarmed digitally rendered tiny little green army men, controlled by The Big Kowalski, battling over what looked like a kitchen floor.

Jeez, talk about singular focus.

Yes, he finally saw them. After I'd taken Calvin and Hobbes to bed and almost forgot about them myself, from the next room there came a "Where'd these army men come from?" Ha ha ha! See, it's still funny to me.