Wakin' Up Swingin'

(August 29, 2003)

Oh for fuck's sake, do I ever know what Thomas is on about with the whole invasion-by-knock thing. For me, the unexpected wake-up knock on the door isn't even about being woken up-- though that's horrible in itself-- it's about being woken up by a knock on the door. That means that some person of questionable intent has actually come to the private safety of your abode and is demanding your attention!

I had that problem in the old place. The doorbell would ring on random Sunday mornings. In the morning. On a Sunday. The doorbell. In the MORNING. On SUNDAY. The first time it was astonishing. I blearily opened the door to find that Ed, the landlord, was on the other side of the door and already had the screen door open and one foot on the threshold. Like it never occurred to him that I wouldn't let him in, he was already poised to come in. On a Sunday. In the morning.

One time I answered the door in my underwear and told him not to come over without calling first anymore.

In this apartment, woken-up-by-landlord has happened three times. Skip is a sweet old man, almost in a ridiculously impossible way. Fluffy white hair, twinkly eyes, ready smile. Calls me "dear" and "sweetheart." But I don't wanna see anything fluffy or twinkly when I'm in a dead sleep. I'm cranky in the morning. Do not wake me up, I will swing at you, I swear.

Besides, I don't get the point of Skip's wake-up visits. They were all for the same reason:

"Are you running any water in there??!!"

The third time, I didn't get up to answer the door.

Then I heard a key in the lock.

The door slammed opened against the chain lock and I, stumbling half-naked from the bedroom to find out who had set the fire causing the raging inferno engulfing the building and providing what should be the ONLY reason somebody is entering my apartment uninvited, said what we all say in this kind of situation: "Hello?!"

"Are you running any water in there??!!"

"Are you running any water in there??!!"