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Larry cartoon in the Archives page by onlyone.
Diary of a 
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(October 29, 2002) Make It So
A Jungle reader emailed me in response to the Star Trek reference from the other day, saying that her husband got her interested in The Next Generation. That reminds me of a story concerning a former co-worker, Mary. Mary was one of those very sweet, housekeep-y, 9 to 5, same-hairstyle-since-high-school, K Mart shopper kinda girls. As straight-laced and traditional as she was, she had a wack sense of humour and was seriously addicted to practical jokes. She did stuff to her co-worker friends like make a hundred photocopies of a REALLY bad picture of them and post them all over the building. A few times she listed friends' cars or houses for sale in the local paper. I'm awestruck by that. I'm imagining the reality of phoning some ad department at the paper and giving the details without blowing it. And paying for the ad! That's some dedication, boy. One Christmas, Mary's husband brought home, much to her dismay, an entire collection of Star Trek Next Generation tree ornaments. Mary was not a Trekkie, and moreover, was a rather Laura Ashley sorta Christmas tree person. Like...you know, frills and bows and color coordination. "I don't mind the little people ones so much," she told us at work one day. "The guy with the curly haired girlfriend...he's kind of holding a little remote control thingy..." "Commander Riker," I offered. "He's second in command. He's holding a phaser?" "Yeah, and there's the really white guy, the robot--" "Android." "Well I knew he was electronic." "Positronic." Yes, I have no friends, you were wondering why? Anyway, we established that Mary was resigned to letting her husband put the characters on the tree, but he also had some of the ships. She positively hated the ships. "There's one that's SO..." she screwed up her little freckled nose to find the right word. "Ugly," she decided. "It's SO UGLY. It's not the regular ship where all the good guys live..." "Not the Enterprise?" I gently ask. "No, it's...bird...something?" "It's the Bird of Prey, that's a Romulan ship." I don't add that the Klingons obtained the technology in an alliance with the Romulans. Sometimes there's just too much information. "YEAH! THAT'S what Rob said it was! OH my god, it looks like some kind of bug. How am I gonna convince him to stick it way in BACK of the tree. I hate it!" "Tell you what. Take it off the tree and hide it. If he notices and asks where it is? Just look at him in shock and gasp 'SHE'S CLOAKED!'" Okay, for anybody not laughing right now: The Romulan cloaking technology means the Bird of Prey can effectively disappear. Mary didn't know that either, and when she found out she squealed in utter delight and, as soon as possible, activated that plan. That has nothing to do with the fact that Mary and Rob got divorced. I swear. ____________________________________ By the way, I am such a badass. I have this cut on my thumb-- it's clean-edged and I've swabbed it with antiseptic for a few days, and it's not bleeding or anything-- but it just won't stay closed. It won't heal if it doesn't stay closed. I just Crazy-Glued it closed. How come life doesn't have a soundtrack? I deserve some Badass Music. I want, like, that "wah WAH wah" from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.
(Badass)
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