Fuck Subtlety

(September 10, 2002)

Okay, so for like three days I've been trying to think of a comical, or at least mildly interesting, way to write a sex entry. I know, how hard (ha ha!) is it to make a sex entry (ha ha ha!) interesting? The thing is, though the topic of sex will usually maintain your interest, ANY topic can be dragged into the doldrums by my ho-hum boring-ass writing. Sometimes I'm funny. Right now I got nuthin'. NUTHIN' I TELL YA! So I have THIS in place of a really-funny-sex-entry-that's- not-going-to-happen.

The nuggets of information I wished to impart in the really-funny-sex-entry-that's- not-going-to-happen are as follows:

a) Of my current "daily read" diary pals, only Mid and Thomas write freely about sex. Mid occasionally (I loved her yoga cry entry), Thomas rather frequently. Rather. Frequently. A lot. That's what I love about Thomas. That, and I bet he knows how to start an I.V. line without hurting me, because he seems really good at being a nurse. So I read Thomas' last round of entries, and I thought, how come more of us aren't writing about sex? (Addendum: As soon as I thought this thought, Jess wrote about a lesbian sex dream. Nicely done, my pretty little diva! By the way, I have lesbian sex dreams all the time.)

b) I need a lot of sex.

c) Now would be good. So would later.

d) The word "horny" grates against my genteel sensibility. It's awfully crass and rude. "Horny" evokes the image of toothless, repulsive old men leering over their Buds at any carbon-based female life form within their bleary, myopic range. Cringeworthy. We need a new word to replace horny. Something less lewd, more sensual. Less mundane, more inviting. I've been asking around among my friends for better expressions. Yesterday Joe came up with a whole bunch of really dumb ones, and one really good one: Waiting for the rhythm section to kick in.. The only thing I don't like about it is, it's about the rhythm section, and that guy Joe is a bass player, and already thinks he's a gift from the gods without having a euphemism for HORNY associated with a RHYTHM SECTION. (No really, at least one person has actually TOLD him he's a gift from the gods. I was there, I heard her say it. It's even captured on tape and I think he keeps replaying it over and over before he goes to sleep.)

e) There's all kinds of surveys reporting that guys think about sex more often than girls do, throughout the day and whatnot. Either the girls polled in these surveys are lying, or this is more proof that I am in fact 65.4% guy. I think about sex all day. I mean all day.

f) Masturbation. Oh get over it, we all do it. My question is, do men really masturbate more than women, as reported by whoever also reports that men think about sex more? Dudes, I'm thinking, and I don't think a day goes by for me. I have no problem admitting that last Sunday I masturbated six times. Not all in a row, I mean throughout the day and night. "Who were you thinking about?" asked Hub when I told him. "I don't actually work that way," I said. It's true, I don't need to "think of" anyone, it's just about me.

g) More about masturbation. Did you catch any of that Anna Nicole Smith show? The one where she was drunk off her ass and looking for a new house positively killed me. She's squeezed into jeans and a tiny top, boobs ready to pop out, and slurring through every scene. At the end of one segment where she and her people (ha ha, I love that an Anna Nicole has people) are getting back into the car after looking at a house, she turns to the camera and blurts, none too steadily, "I just want to go home and masturbate. I haven't masturbated yet today." Anna Nicole, I just don't know what to do with you.

Look at the Guestbook. As SOON as I finished this entry, one of my freakin' FAMILY MEMBERS puts a note in my Guestbook. Family has found this thing. Aunt Carol, it's nice to hear from you after...what's it been, like fifteen years or something? But if you really want to read Jungle Sweet Jungle...hm, I'm not sure what to tell you...it's...this.