Catch-up with Relish

(March 20, 2002)

If It Ain't One Thing, It's Your Mother

Hey, next time my mother gets a computer and I spend hours every night on the phone tutoring her about what is email and what is a file and what is a folder? And hours in the car to Connecticut to spend more hours installing software, creating templates, an address database, mailing labels, desktop folders, and instruction documents? Shoot me in the fucking head, okay? And as I lay bleeding on the carpet, remind me that it's for my own good, because I'd have eventually killed her, got convicted, and lived out my life in prison as the bitch of a 400 pound mouthbreather named Velma Jean. Just mention, if you would be so kind, that I brought it on myself because I know full well that Joanna always listens to the LAST person who talked, just like a four year old. So point out to me how I should not be even remotely shocked that some random guy she found who-knows-where could've come along, convinced her that he could fix her PRINTER INK PROBLEM (it wasn't printing green) by sending the PC back to Dell to BE COMPLETELY STRIPPED BACK DOWN TO THE BARE BONES. Did you get that? The PRINTER WOULDN'T PRINT RIGHT. So they WIPED OUT EVERYTHING AND RE-INSTALLED THE OPERATING SYSTEM. "Oh gee mom, your freezer doesn't seem to be quite cold enough. Better set the house on fire."

Dreaming is Free

Do you remember your dreams? Lately mine have been graphic and complicated, like a David Lynch film. Last week I had one dream where I was entering some old echoy, hot building, like the kind that have cinderblock walls and and heavy metal fire doors, and everything from the doorbells to the mailboxes is dull with layers of cheap paint from years of slapdash maintenance. I was with two or three couples and some other random people, and I was acting very friendly with them. Only the whole time I was like, "who are these people?" We ended up trying to all crash in two bunkbeds in a room the size of a freight elevator. In another dream I was taking care of my gerbils. I used to really have gerbils in real life, like about thiry of them. Yes I said thirty. They multiply. I had like three cages, all linked with Habitrail tunnels and towers and little alcoves. A couple of excercise wheels, a dozen different things to crawl into and chew up. It was like gerbil Taj Mahal. We whittled down our flock eventually, gave them away to kids and pet shops, and separated the girls from the boys so they would stop procreating. So in my dream, I had all these gerbils and I was taking care of them. It took all night. I was exhausted when I woke up. Then in last night's dream, I was on some kind of strange boat. The captain was Carrie from ER and she was ordering everyone around. We hit a big storm, and someone activated the convertible boat cover. It was this thing that came up and over the whole boat so we became kind of like a bobber, safe while we waited out the storm. Whilst being tossed about on the sea, a Portuguese guy latched onto me. I woke myself up as he was nibbling on the back of my neck, which felt really really good. Stupid waking up.

Rugrats and Booze

Have you read Mid's diary over there on the right? Mid and Eli are PREGNANT. Holy shit, dude. Mid's diary rules. Chick sings to vegetables and tells off stupid people who piss her off, just like I do. What's weird is, if you also read Lisa's, you know that she stopped drinking. I mean, altogether. Not just cut down, not just stick with light beer and lay off the hard stuff. Quit! I don't even know what to say to her to be supportive. When she first announced it, mostly I wanted to ask "are you pregnant?" I had the STRONGEST feeling. But I didn't ask, I just waited to see if she'd announce it. I got a grapevine, I'd hear about it. But she's either not, or not saying. And then what goes and happens? Mid and Eli man. Chickie pee'd on some sticks and posted a pic of the damn things. Well. I knew SOMEBODY was going to pop out a rugrat up in here. Now Mid has to stop drinking too. And smoking, I guess. But she can still sing to her steamed broccoli.