Dear Imprudence

(February 11, 2002)

Dear Spammers,

Please stop sending me emails. I don't want to enlarge my penis, or any penis I've come in contact with since that guy back in New York. I don't want to refinance my house mortgage. I'm not being dismissive here, it's just that I don't have a mortgage or a house. I also don't want to Click Here For Hot Virgin Pussy, I don't want to Learn Sign Language At Home, and I don't want to Increase My Energy Level. Well I do want to increase my energy level, but not with your questionable product "as seen on Oprah."

Thank you.

Lexi

Dear Neighbors,

Do you think that you could possibly learn to park? There are but a finite number of spaces on this street, and since you felt the need to buy the BIGGEST FUCKING TRUCKS ever seen outside a Monster Truck Rally,the least you could do is park like you have some degree of consideration. Fake it if you have to. I don't need sincerity, I just need a place to put my car.

Sincerely,

Lexi

Dear (Your Name Here, Baby),

DEFINITION:
(from Cambridge International Dictionary of English)

flirt
verb [I] to behave as if sexually attracted to someone, although not seriously She left him because he was always flirting (with other women). FIGURATIVE I'm flirting with (=considering, although not seriously) the idea of taking a year off and travelling round the world. FIGURATIVE He loves to flirt with danger (=to take risks).

flirt
noun [C]
He's a dreadful flirt (=he behaves as if he is sexually attracted to a lot of people).

flirtatious
adjective
They maintain an easy, joking, flirtatious relationship with one another (=they pretend to behave as if they are sexually attracted to each other).

Please make a note of it.

Lexi

Dear Fat,

I know we've been together since I left New York for Boston seven years ago, but do you think you could go away faster than this? A half a pound a week is excruciatingly slow, and I've got all these clothes I want to wear. It's not that I don't love you (you are me, after all) but you're just a little too oppressive. I need my space. I promise not to forget you. You can even come back when I'm old and gray if you want. We'll watch soap operas together and loll about on the couch. But right now, I've kinda got stuff to do and you're a little bit in the way. I hope you understand.

Yours,

Lexi

Dear Time,

You think you're so funny. Cut it out.

L.

Dear People Who Keep Hitting Jungle Sweet Jungle Day After Day By Searching For "maria carry photos,"

You stupid freakin' misguided idiots. Firstly, it's MARIAH CAREY, not MARIA CARRY. Secondly, she doesn't merely suck. She sucks just so bad. She sucks beyond bad. She sucks the very vermin off a dead rat's ass. Please stop looking up Mariah Carey pictures.

Thank you,

That is all,

Lexi