I Just Need One Free Weekend. Or a Maid.

(January 18, 2002)

"WHY would you take a picture of this place," asks Hub. I'm teetering on the arm of the crappy Pier 1 loveseat, one hand on the ceiling for balance and the other hand on my camera. "Because," I say, "I'm trying to prove a point."

"What, that you can embarrass us on the Internet and break your leg all in the same night?"

Hub may not be amused, but the cats think this is the greatest game in the world. It's not easy to take pictures with one hand, but it's even harder with Casey commenting on every shot ("Mrrrrwww?") and rubbing against my shins. "You know what? You need to be in this picture," I tell him. I climb down, scoop him up, and put him on the table. (Casey, not Hub). Of course Elvis has GOT to come and see what all the picture taking is about.

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My point is, we have GOT to clean. We have not dug out from the holidays yet. I mean, I know we're not alone in this? But do we get the prize for worst post-holiday mess? What about when combined with the regular year-round mess? Let's take a look, shall we?

1. My makeup case. There isn't a place in the bedroom to do my hair and make-up, and you already know what the bathroom is like. So half the time, my make-up case hangs out somewhere in the vicinity of that mirror above the sideboard.

2. That is a large shiny bow tied around the neck of a cool bottle I found somewhere. At Christmas, I'd bought this ribbon that I thought was SO cool, but it turned out to be a dud. Oh, it looked cool, alright. Until you tried to tie it, then it ripped like a wet tissue. This bow was a failed experiment. I don't know why I stuck it on this bottle. Like, a month ago.

3. These are toys. There's a disc shooter game and a laser blaster and some other stuff. I'm not sure why we have these.

4. Christmas ribbon, paper, tags, tissue paper and a bunch of other crap. Needs to be re-packed and brought to the basement. I'm sure that'll happen sometime before next Christmas.

5. Casey.

6. Festive holiday cards taped gaily to the wall in December are just plain gay in January.

7. A small engraved table wrapped in brown plastic. This is one of the things that Hub brought back from his dad's attic in Connecticut. We don't know what to do with it. That's my laptop on top of it.

8. Elvis.

9. The box that held my mother's Christmas present to Hub: it was all food. Peanut brittle, carmel corn, coffee, tea, tea biscuits, little chocolate things. Oh yeah baby, it's empty. Casey's been hiding in the box and ambushing any carbon based life form that that walks by. As soon as we get rid of this box, we'll need a box just exactly this size.

10. My bag. The laptop is usually in it, except now it's on top of number 7.

11. My wool cape. I was going to get it cleaned. Hub washed it. In the washer. I'm afraid to try it on now, so it's been draped on the back of that chair for six weeks. I guess it fell.

12. Hub's coat, draped on the back of the chair where my cape was.

13. My boots.

14. More stuff Hub brought back from his dad's attic. These boxes contain, among other things, every model rocket Hub ever built, an actual sword, every letter I ever sent him in college, and the only pictures of his mother I've ever seen.

15. A plastic bag from five days ago, when I was going to gather up all the garbage. It has one sad little ripped piece of tissue paper in it.

16. One of the zillion envelopes I get every week with some band's CD in it proclaiming it "cutting edge" and "boundary breaking." Usually I'd rather listen to the envelope.

17. What's Eating Gilbert Grape movie poster, which is usually hanging over the loveseat. That this is here is even sadder than the Christmas stuff. This poster was replaced by a Pink Floyd poster for our Eighties party. In October. See, the movie wasn't from the Eighties, so Gilbert got stashed behind the loveseat temporarily. Now he's just upside down on the Internet.

18. Cat toy.

19. Latest issue of Rolling Stone, with No Doubt on the cover.

Last night I said, "HUB. We have GOT to clean."

"Well, you...you..." he sputters, "You've got to take that present to Brian!"

"Oh sure, that's the whole problem right there." Yup. Big difference. See?