ARCHIVE: Diary of a Low Budget Superhero

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You're reading an old entry from Michelle "Lexi Kahn" DiPoala's online diary, formerly called Jungle Sweet Jungle. Blog name changed to Low Budget Superhero in October 2005. Now I mostly go by SuperLowBudge. You can call me Lexi, Michelle or SuperLowBudge, or if you're my mom, then Shelly. Enjoy these old posts (except if you're my mom.) Please follow on Blogger at superlowbudge.blogspot.com. From there you can follow me on Twitter and some other platforms. Thanks!

So How Was The Wedding?

(November 04, 2000)

POST-NUP SURVEY

Mr. and Mrs. _________ thank you for attending their wedding, and for the lovely _________. Please take a few moments to complete this independent survey. Please indicate your answers with a number or a check mark on the lines provided

SECTION I: GENERAL

1. In the last twelve months, how many weddings have you attended? ____

2. In how many weddings were you a member of the bridal party? ____

3. How many of these weddings required an overnight stay? ____

4. Based on this wedding, are you looking forward to the next wedding? _Yes _No

5. Have you had a wedding yourself? _Yes _No

6. If you answered 'No' to Question 5, how likely are you to have a wedding like this?

___ Definitely Will

___ Probably Will

___ May or May Not

___ Not without a lobotomy

SECTION II: CEREMONY

Ceremony Type

___ Civil

___ Religious with secular elements

___ Full mass with Communion, Readings, and Hymns

___ Still not sure what they were going for

Ceremony Location

___ Church or temple

___ Reception hall or hotel

___ Somebody's house

___ Outdoors with wedding favors of tiny vials of bug killer and sunblock that luckily you didn't need because it rained

___ Good lord wasn't that a VFW hall and couldn't they decorate it or something?

Ceremony Length

___ 0 - 20 minutes

___ 21 - 30 minutes

___ 31 - 50 minutes

___ You were standing there so long your pantyhose worked their way down to your knees and cut off your circulation

Wedding Official Most Closely Resembled�

___ Ned Flanders

___ Dave Thomas of Wendy's

___ KD Lang

___ Morgan Freeman

___ Sally Jesse Raphael

Rites and Vows

___ Official ceremonial, sensible and contemporary

___ Official ceremonial, archaic and misogynistic

___ Self-written, nice

___ Self-written, should have gotten second opinion

Use of flowers

___ Tasteful and refined

___ Looked like Laura Ashley and Martha Stewart collided and exploded

___ There were flowers?

Use of candles

___ None

___ Just enough to add ambiance

___ "Unity Candle" sub-ceremony to symbolize extinguishing of two individuals

___ So many candles the guests assumed the power just came back on

Music

___ Traditional

___ Original and creative

___ Turgid and overblown (usually involves trumpets)

___ Did ALL his sisters sing something and can't one of them carry a tune?

Wedding Party Size

___ Maid of Honor and Best Man

___ 0 - 3 Bridesmaids with groomsmen

___ 4 - 6 Bridesmaids with groomsmen

___ 7+ Bridesmaids with groomsmen

___ Children were involved

Bridal Gown and Accoutrements

___ Elegant and beautiful

___ Probably looked fabulous on the mannequin

___ (Sleeves) or (butt bow) or (bouquet) are bigger than her head

___ Klingons wear a similar headpiece during the Gahk festival

___ Cross between Swan Lake and "Like a Virgin"

Bridesmaids Dresses

___ Everyone looked fabulous

___ Gown probably chosen by the tall thin one

___ Gown probably chosen to "wear again"

Groom's Outfit

___ Elegant and handsome

___ Doesn't know that the "sneakers and tux" look isn't wacky, just stupid

___ At least it's just a rental

Groomsmen's Outfit

___ Everyone looked fabulous

___ The sneaker thing

___ Again, just rentals

Leaving the Ceremony

___ Self-paced exit

___ Receiving line blocked speedy exit

___ Rice throwing blocked speedy exit

___ Birdseed thrown in lieu of rice with everyone explaining to each other over and over again about how the rice expands in the bird's stomachs and kills them so birdseed is better

SECTION III: RECEPTION

Time and Place

___ None

___ Informal party, picnic or barbecue on wedding day

___ Informal party, picnic or barbecue on some other day

___ Formal, right after ceremony in the same building

___ Formal, right after ceremony within easy driving distance

___ Formal, right after ceremony in some mysterious location you would never have found without following some guy named Bip who U-turned down a one-way street yelling, "Follow me, I saw this in a cartoon once."

___ Formal, with long enough time between wedding and reception to get drinks and entertain the thought "You think anyone would miss us�"

Reception Started With�

___ Relaxing and unwinding

___ Receiving line blocked speedy entrance

___ Bride and groom introduced by microphone

___ Bride, groom and entire bridal party introduced by microphone

___ Bride, groom, entire bridal party and parents introduced by microphone

___ Bride, groom, entire bridal party and two sets of parents introduced by microphone

Bride's Demeanor

___ Comfortably being herself

___ Putting on a somber, serious act

___ Giggles giving away the six martinis downed at the hairdresser's

___ Bridezilla

Changes in Bride Since You Saw Her Last

___ None

___ Porked up like Miss Piggy

___ Must have gone on Jenny Craig

___ Had the kid

Groom's Demeanor

___ Comfortably being himself

___ Hasn't spoken or blinked since Tuesday

___ Slapping backs and guffawing with his boys in one last surge of machismo

___ Wasted

Changes in Groom Since You Saw Him Last

___ None

___ Porked up like Dom Deluise

___ Under-eye baggage and grey hairs

___ Wasted

Seating

___ Guests grabbed a seat anywhere

___ Guests waited in line for a little card telling them what number table to sit at

___ Bride and groom sat alone at a small table

___ Bride, groom and bridal party sat at a head table

___ Bride, groom, bridal party and parents sat at a dais the length of the one at the Friar's Club Roasts

Wining and Dining

___ Picnic or barbecue

___ Guests selected "chicken" or "beef" on a card six months ago and had to remember which they ordered

___ Buffet

___ Non-alcoholic

___ Cash bar

___ Open bar

Group Dances (Circle all that apply.)

a) Electric Slide

b) Hokey-pokey

c) Macarena

d) Chicken dance

e) Conga line

f) Limbo

___ Two or more of the above. (If selected, and you did not select "Open Bar" in the last question, please submit the names of the bride and groom to authorities for immediate penalization)

Music

___ Live band played good music

___ Live band played crappy music

___ DJ played good mix of oldies, 70s, 80s, and new rock, and some slow songs for romantic dancing

___ DJ annoyed the snot out of everybody by playing his own favorites and ignoring requests

___ Karaoke (If selected, and you did not select "Open Bar" two questions ago, please submit the names of the bride and groom to authorities for immediate execution)

Reception Ceremonies (circle all that apply)

a) Humiliation of Single Women in Bouquet Toss

b) Embarrassment of Single Men in Garter Toss

c) Dollar Dance

d) The Bride Cuts The Cake, with one or both newlyweds shoving cake into the face of the other because they think it's funny even though 980,780,000,323 couples do that every year and thanks to camcorders and reality-TV shows we get to see it in our own living rooms

Recording for Posterity

___ Professional photographer took tasteful pictures at ceremony and reception

___ Professional videographer rolled video camera at key moments

___ Guests believing they were solely responsible for "making memories" ran around and popped flashes all day yelling, "Lemme get wunna you'n Joe!"

Please provide us with any additional comments you may have about this wedding. Feel free to include an additional piece of paper, incriminating photos, or receipts if necessary. ____________________________________________________________ Thank you for taking the time to give us your opinions. Please return this questionnaire in the enclosed envelope with the little piece of tissue paper nobody knows what to do with or why it's there.

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