Oh, THAT kind of CD...

(September 13, 2000)

Today I finally arranged a time to interview The Bentmen for the next Noise. Considering the deadline is seven days away, at least having the interview time lined up relieves a bit of pressure, eh? But that means I'm writing all weekend. Oh well, worse weekends were spent.

On a surreal note, I just had a meeting with a Financial Advisor, like some sort of adult or something.

So fine. I turned thirty. Is there a rule that I'm supposed to have Finances that need Advising? I don't, so god knows how he got my name. But, when he called again last week I thought "Why not, let's just get him off my back."

So today was the day. He's early, but I figured he would be and I'm ready. When the receptionist calls me to say Mister Marzella is waiting for me in the lobby, I trot upstairs in my clompy boots (yay, autumn!) and non-prescription spectacles, which I wear to make me look as if I'm capable of understanding Emerging Growth Funds and Long Term Capital Appreciation Potential. When I see a lone visitor in the lobby I say, "Frank?" It seems I wasn't what he expected, but he was exactly what I expected. Bespectacled, thin, wedding band, bright power tie, strident of voice but a little desperation evident, particularly when I factor in the bitten-down fingernails and aura of stale cigarette smoke emanating from the folds of his Men's Wearhouse gabardine.

Handshake, introductions, and I whisk him into a nearby conference room. I could tell this isn't even worth bringing him all the way downstairs to my office, so I grab the Picturetel room by the lobby. Then for thirty minutes there I am, hands folded, listening to this earnest, very very serious young man, and he's just so serious and earnest that I'm dangerously close to getting the giggles.

Humorous these Finance Guys are not. I find it funny that his name is emblazoned on his pen and ask if that's his only one.

He doesn't crack a smile.

I find hilarious a portfolio manager's name on a mutual fund statistic sheet and say, "With a name like Dudley Brickhouse managing it, it's gotta be a good fund."

He pretends not to notice.

When he asks me if I have any CDs I almost say, "Yeah, hundreds!" until I remember where I am, and crack up while saying, "No, none."

He reviews my stock option grants, vested, un-vested, and recommends a five year plan to exercise and divest them into five different mutual funds of various loads and risk. I ask, "Which funds are you invested in?" He admits, "These."

Now that's funny.