The Accidental Pen Pal

(September 9, 2000)

So I went away to Albuquerque and Arizona and, though I brought my laptop, I didn't do as I promised myself and update this 'ere diary thang from the sun-baked southwest.

Today I got this email from a girl who thinks I'm someone else. I answered it. Why I didn't just stop reading and delete it I don't know. She seemed like she needed to hear from someone. Here are her mail and my reply, respectively.

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Subject:from Karen of the lunchtime meetings

Date:Tue, 5 Sep 2000 2:38:54 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:[email protected]

To:[email protected]

Laurie-

Hi!

I seem to have misplaced the card you gave me with your phone number on it, but your email address was striking enough for me to have remembered it. (Now I'm hoping I got that right!

So how are you feeling? Still in a lot of pain/discomfort?

I haven't seen you in awhile at meetings, but then again, I haven't been hitting as many as I usually like to, what with going to school and doing computer practice, etc. Things going well? I know you've been saying it's hard w/o a sponsor. Oddly enough, I've been in a place for the past week and a half of freedom from body image obsession. I keep looking for it, and it's either not there or on a lesser degree than normal. Talk about miracles! I always feel like I'm not allowed to like myself because I wear a size 14. You know, how dare I find myself attractive! But here I am... my body seems to always drop to this weight and never get thinner, so now I'm thinking - what if I never get thinner? Am I going to spend the rest of my life telling myself how bad I am? Or celebrate what I do have, and not give into convention? I don't know how long this will last, and I fear the lack of obsession will make me slip up and gain back 70 pounds, but for now...

Thanks for letting me say that - I haven't been to a meeting in almost a week.

OK - so the next thing I'm going to ask is something that I hate doing and makes me feel really uncomfortable, but I'm just gonna come right out. I was cruising around on the Harper Collins web page and there was a job opportunity that sounded like something I might be right for - a design assistant. Is there anything you'd be able to do to help me out, get a resume to the right hands? It's an entry level job, and I have former office experience, though it's been more on the editorial side rather than design. (I was an art assistant, too.) I'd be able, that way, to learn on the job and while taking classes at night leading up to the electronic prepress certification. Urgh. I feel like I should apologize for asking. Anyway, you can let me know if it's something you'd feel comfortable doing.

OK. Please continue to take good care of yourself and your body. Looking forward to talking to you again soon - maybe I'll see you this week?

Best,

Karen

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Subject:RE:from Karen of the lunchtime meetings

Date:Tue, 5 Sep 2000 2:52:28 PM Eastern Daylight Time

From:[email protected]

To:[email protected]

Hi Karen,

I'm not Laurie, I'm Lexi. But since you went to so much trouble creating a sensitive and informative email, I feel a mantle of responsibility to respond. So, though I'm not Laurie, here are my answers:

-- Thanks, I'm not in much discomfort, though I have one of those teeny acid bubbles on my tongue you sometimes get from drinking lemonade so I've been flicking my teeth with my tongue all day. It feels weird to be so aware of my tongue, and I wonder how getting pierced must feel. (I have a slight headache too, but that's because I'm caffeine-torqued and never eat enough during the day.)

-- I don't have a sponsor for anything, but I should get one for at least one of my personality anomalies. Inability to care about stupid things, perhaps? Or maybe over-fondness of cheap paperbacks.

--I'm usually free of body image obsession unless I'm shopping for clothes, then the number on the tag shocks me. It's a 16 or an 18. It used to be nearly half that, and some of those 8's and 10's are still in a box in my closet, haven't seen light of day since Duran Duran was topping the pop charts. There's a hot pair of white jeans; a black pleated miniskirt; a cool pair of purple capri pants...poor little garments. Every now and then I take them out and comfort them.

-- You're not a "bad person" for being a size 14. Unless you're like, a size 14 ax murderer. All else being equal, being "good" or "bad" has nothing to do with how large a shadow you cast. Goodness/Badness is a value statement--- a statement of personal integrity. Explain to me how can integrity be a size? That's like saying, "I don't like beans because it's Tuesday." The one has nothing to do with the other. (Flip it around: The skeletal Courtney Cox and Calista Flockarts of the world look malnourished and sickly, like concentration camp prisoners-- but I'm sure they're perfectly "good" people.)

-- I wouldn't beat myself up over NOT obsessing! Releasing yourself from ANY sort of obsession sounds like very healthy growth. Maybe you're finally coming to terms with what's important and realizing that weight management is a personal issue of health and happiness, and that you can achieve it by making the right choices. When you constantly obsess about�well, essentially it boils down to obsessing about your pants�you're not "achieving" anything but boring your friends and coworkers to death. Nobody cares! Quit talking about yourself all day long and find a hobby! (That's in jest, but in all seriousness, friends are important. They don't care about the size of your pants, so don't abuse the value of your friends by monopolizing every situation with your body image issues. Discuss it, sure-- don't obsess and make everything about you. Here's a way to tell if you're over the line: when you're with your friends, think about what you're about to say before you say it. Does it have the word "thighs," "fat," "hips," "pig," "lard," "jiggle," or anything similar in it? Then say something else that's not about you. Ask how someone's day is going instead.)

-- About the job; Karen, Karen, Karen. Where's your confidence? Obviously since I'm not Laurie I don't work at Harper Collins (though they do publish some of those cheap paperbacks of which I can't get enough). For what it's worth, here's something I noticed about your request for employment info: In 150 words you used 39 of them for emotion-based, apologetic and/or self-deprecating phrases, like "something I hate," and "feel I should apologize for," and "makes me feel uncomfortable." Put another way, that's 26%. If I were Laurie, I'd take that as 26% confident that you can do the job. If you'd like, I can help you with your cover letter if you want to apply to that job.

Regards, and good luck finding Laurie.

Lexi