It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.

(August 14, 2000)

I've hired a couple of people recently. Scott is a very young temp who gets to ditch us Cubicle Rats toiling in earnest when he goes back to college in the fall, and Kimberly is a permanent hire. Both newbies are working out okay so far-- but I'm leery. I am notoriously inept at interviewing. I mean I really suck at picking people. The whole time I'm interviewing all I can think is, "Who am I to judge this person? I'm like, some aging indie-rock-writing-pseudo-corporate big fat faker. What makes MY opinion of their relative potential worth a fig? I don't know squat. I don't know JACK about squat. She has cool shoes, though."

I'm just hoping Scott and Kimberly don't turn on me. The last time I selected a permanent hire it was bad. Very very bad.

Troy turned out to have the vivacious personality of a 14 year old girl around her friends at the mall. But he also had the same 14 year old girl's personality around her like, old unfair parents. Snippy, coy, with just the right amount of apathy for the actual work, sort of like a French waiter. That much self-importance coupled with that little dedication made him virtually un-trainable, and my boss was ready to kill me for saddling the group with this nutjob. The real problem was that you never knew which Troy you were going to get that day. Once, during the same eight hours, he enlightened me that I was a "wonderful wealth of knowledge" and "a PMS'ing bitch." One minute a customer was praising his helpfulness, then he'd snap the head off the next one that called. On one unforgettable day, Troy ran crying into the bathroom because there were too many orders to process.

How was I to know, from a half-hour interview, that he was a therapy-needing maniac? Not just "let's work on stress management" therapy but serious, critical MediVac therapy. The truth is, I knew I was in trouble the minute I saw�the signs.

If this offends anyone, I apologize: but I can tell volumes about you based on the signs you deem funny enough to hang in your office. And I have decided that I don't want you on my staff if you either SAY or POST the following sentiments (except when done with irony):

"Poor planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on my part."

"My work is so secret, even I don't know what I'm doing."

"You want it when?"

"Blood type: coffee"

"Stress? What stress?

"I have one nerve left, and you're standing on it!"

"You must be confusing me with someone who cares."

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

"Whatever!"

So far, no such signs poppin' up in Scott or Kimberly's office. But I live in fear�