Nocturnal Admissions

(July 29, 2007)

"Joe, I can't believe you told our friends that you've woken up with me on top of you."

"I said SOMEtimes."

First of all, it was ONE TIME, and secondly, I still court doubt that he was asleep when we started and woke up during. I think he's just messin' with me. And thirdly, I can't believe he told our friends. At dinner. And it's not like it was just Buzz and Trish at the table. Or just Mojo and Brinlin, who, by the way, I barely know yet. Or munk and Jennifer, who gets easily embarrassed by that kind of thing (I once made the mistake of mentioning my tampon in front of her). No, it was ALL of those guys at the table. Oh, plus Chuck! And Opal, who I'd known at that point for about eleven minutes.

How the subject came up, I forget. We were at DeVille's, having dinner before bowling last night.

Yeah, I know. Overpriced, underlit and with the worst music outside of karaoke night in a lesbian bar. But that's where we were.

We happened to be sitting smack in the middle of the table, across from each other. Two couples on either side. And first we were talking about that episode of Scrubs with the yellow brick road theme (holy shit, I'm so happy somebody else loves that episode as much as I do, THANK you Buzz and Trish) and the next thing I know Joe's saying, "I told Lexi, there's only a few circumstances where I'm not ready for sex -- either I've just had it, or I'm asleep..." and before I knew it he'd gleefully told a story that, up until now, had remained private.

Okay, in my defense, generally speaking, when a man and woman are in the cuddle position, and it's very late and dark, after awhile of nuzzling and rubbing it's customary to check out the, you know, situation, so to speak. Girls know that there's a "half mast" sort of thing that can happen, and you think to yourself, "well I can either get in there and hoist this flag all the way, or roll over and pretend I didn't notice." I rarely roll over. My goal is to raise the flag and then salute my ass off. With Joe, there's rarely any work to do. He's always ready to go.

Now you know the secret of why I'm so happy all the time.

But did you know that a guy can go through all the motions apparently in his sleep? I didn't either. If Joe's to be believed, I accosted him once while he was totally in a dead sleep. From my perspective, it was a two-way situation from the start. I had no idea that he was asleep, I swear. From my perspective, there is NO WAY he could have been. No way. But he insists that he woke up with the thought, "I think I'm having sex..." Maybe. Maybe his brain had been asleep, but believe me, his body was awake.

Well, I guess if it's to be revealed that I'm a Somnophile, why not have it be heard firsthand by half of our circle of friends and therefore remove all doubt a mere rumour would have wrought? Since the other half of our circle reads my diary, now they're informed also.

Lexi Kahn, The Accidental Somnophile.