The Story of Virago

(January 10, 2007)

Virago (vuh-RAY-go) is a real word but it has been adopted and re-assigned in my old circle of friends. Originally used by my ex, Hub, in college, its short definition is: a dangerous woman. As in "Dude, I wouldn't, that chick is Virago." Virago is a shrewd woman who sees what she wants and will just up and take it no matter whose ego, head or heart she has to pulverize. Dolly Parton's "Jolene" is a plea to Virago. Hall and Oates "Maneater" is a warning about Virago. She's deadly, man. She could really rip your butt apart.

The most dangerous aspect of the average Virago is that, though they are poison on the inside, outwardly they act as sweet and sunny as a fresh yellow buttercup so that most people react to warnings with "No, she's so NICE! She's an absolute DOLL." Dude. Buttercups can kill a horse. It's true, look it up.

These women don't really like men, per se. They think they do, but they don't or else they'd have more respect for them instead of just using men up and moving on. They don't know what love is, they're just after the tangibles. When dating they judge a man based on gifts and meals and how much he'll sacrifice for her whims. Virago needs fine jewelry. Virago needs vacations at the beach. Virago needs attention. Virago equates the size of her diamond with the depth of her commitment. This is bad for men, who tend to be totally, completely clueless and go around thinking sexual power plays and mind games are just "how it is" with women. And if they run into too many Viragoes too early in life, men assume all women act this way. Men almost can't be blamed for not understanding women when there are so many Viragoes.

It's my personal opinion that certain men are hopeless when it comes to Virago; she knows exactly what to say and do, and these men follow, dicks like dowsing rods, right to where she wants him. Later he's flummoxed. He has no idea how he got there or why he cheated on his woman. Because that's the darker aspect -- what these women do to other women. How can any woman purposely seek out another woman's man and take steps to steal him away? We know why men do it, they're thinking with their dicks. But women are supposed to be smarter than that. These Viragoes, they have no concept of sisterhood.

I know a few. My first Virago encounter was in college, when I remember saying to her, "He is cute, yes, but he has a wife." Virago response was, "Oh. I don't care about that." She doesn't care about that. Doesn't that piss you off? This is probably why I have so few female friends. Non-Virago women tend to gravitate toward each other. Probably primarily because a girl needs to be able to trust her girlfriends around her man. Sometimes the effort is just too much, so men are just easier as friends.

There is one such she-devil that I saw coming like the proverbial speeding train, and have kept her away from my man for years. I mentioned this, once, to one person who knows us both. Reaction? "No, she's so NICE! She's an absolute DOLL," followed by, "Besides, she has a boyfriend." Dude. Boyfriend? So what? If you think a boyfriend in the mix means this girl isn't Virago, then you don't know Virago, my friend.

Not that I don't trust Joe. But he has wondered to me why it's okay for him to have a certain girl as a friend for lunch or whatnot, but not a certain other? How come it's okay to play in HER band, but not in HERs? "It's not you," I say, "It's her. Virago!" You can't always train for Virago-spotting. It's like Gaydar, you either have it or you don't. But Joe's a gorgeous, friendly man with no clue when he's being hit on; that makes him a Virago magnet. My ex, Hub, was always impervious to the powers of Virago. There was never a chance he'd be swayed, he's got the Virago kryptonite. Joe, not so much, so it's a recurring round of, for example:

"So she stopped by your desk to ask your opinion of her outfit? You wear black jeans and a T-shirt daily, and the same belt for four years. You really think you're a font of fashion advice? My love, that is not a request for fashion advice. That is 'look at my tits in this top.' You do not go to lunch with this girl."

"Oh. Hmmm."

"Fashion advice my ass."

You're probably wondering why it's on my mind. Unfortunately, one of them broke up a couple that I know, one that seemed like forever and now is a shambles.

Fucking Virago.

She's deadly, man.