'Splain!

(November 06, 2008)

What irks me most is when I am misunderstood, and the only people who ever seem to misunderstand me are those whose default-state is "smug and superior." Anyone else would ask first, "do you mean yadda yadda?" before immediately making assumptions about what I think, feel, or intend. I always find that I have to EXPLAIN MYSELF.

Maybe it isn't always arrogance causing the problem, because this week I found myself having to explain. Again. And the people to whom I had to explain aren't known for being arrogant, at least not to me. In fact they're each more accomplished and professional than the average bear and yet maintain an admirable humility.

So not arrogance, just...wrong presumptions that hurt because I feel like everything about me SHOULD make people presume the opposite thing they're presuming.

So why do I have to constantly explain myself?

Why does everyone else seem to have the benefit of just doing some action, and there it lies? No picking it apart, no analyzing for what motivates that action.

Me, I do (or don't do) and I find out later that everyone has been yammering to each other about why, what for, and coming up with their own conclusions in which, frankly, I don't come off well.

My motives are never sinister. I don't have a mean bone in my body. I'm not out for blood. I'm not sneaky. In fact I am so RIGHT OUT THERE than you can ask me ANYTHING. I am transparent. I should be voted Least Likely To Play Games. I say what I think, and believe me, you don't make a raft of friends that way.

I got a CD in the mail from Kier. He enclosed a note that said "I miss you! Please make up with T Max!" Make up with T Max? I'm not in a fight with T Max...am I? Does T MAX think I'm in a fight with T Max? The last email exchange we had, after I quit The Noise, was friendly enough, ending with T Max saying he's happy that I can always tell him what I think about his music and that we'll see each other around, yadda yadda. You know, the usual. Nobody's mad, there was no fight, so there isn't anything to "make up." Yes, it is true that I haven't been to any of those "End War Now" rock opera shows of T's, but that is because it is horrendously godawful and if I go to any show at all these days, it'll be one I WANT to attend. Because I quit. Local music.

Then on Saturday night Joey went out to TT's for the Logan 5 Halloween show. He came home to say that he saw Tracey there, and she wanted to know why I haven't been going to the Rock and Roll Socials, and if I am mad at them. Huh? Mad? At who? At her? I never see Tracey anymore now that I'm not going out to rock shows much, and now that I quit the Social three months ago, I don't see her there, either.

I quit the Social. So why would I go to the Social? I do plan to go to SOME, at some point. But I have only been "gone" for three of them...then I start to wonder, has Tracey been saying bad things about me or something? Something that she thinks I'll have found out about and now am mad about? Because what would lead her to immediately assume "mad"?

I just don't get it. The Socials happen monthly, there are literally hundreds of rock people who DON'T go to them; in a million years I would never say, "Oh where is (whoever), she isn't here so she must be mad at me."

So what the fuck?

And Tracey isn't the only one to assume "mad." I remember seeing Al Janik at the Lizard Lounge this one time. I remember saying to myself "Is that...is that Al over there? It IS Al, he looks so different in that hat!" So I made my way over to him to say hi. "Oh," he coolly says, "When you didn't come over before I thought you were mad at me." As a conversation starter, this is just plain weird. I didn't SEE you "before," I just saw you now, and here I am...and what happened that I should be mad about? And by the way, if you saw ME before, then why didn't YOU come over to ME.

I just don't get it. If the tables were turned, if Al never came over to me that night, I would have left thinking "Oh, I didn't get a chance to talk to Al."

I would not have leaped all the way across logic towards "Al must be mad at me."

Not unless I was either paranoid or socially retarded.

Or maybe everyone IS mad and so they naturally assume I must be, too.

Are you all mad?

If so, chill the fuck out, OK? Because NOW you actually are making me mad.