Ghostbustahs

(October 29, 2007)

I'll tell you what. It's Halloween week and TV is going flat-out ghost-crazy. There' like eleventy-eight different "reality" shows about "hauntings" on at any given time of day or night -- even with the Comcast standard cable package. I can only imagine the stuff you get if you spring for the package with channels higher than 79.

I've got a few problems with these haunting shows. And I say this as someone who definitely believes in an afterlife, or at least in a different plane of existence. I believe we lived in a haunted house when I was in high school, and I'm sure that my aunt Sharon had an encounter with a ghost.

One of my problems with the haunting shows is simply this: give me a break with the orbs. Nothing makes me reach for the remote faster than when a pseudo-scientist cum clairvoyant speaks reverently about orbs.

Look. I have about a thousand photos in my bedside drawers and hundreds more on various CDs. There's all kinds of stuff in photos. Dust motes. Bugs. Lens flares. Even humidity. There is nothing awe-inspiring about a bit of flotsam in a photo or on a monitor. In fact, I'm being divebombed by a fruit fly RIGHT NOW who, if I get out my camera, will look just like an orb in a photo. He's after the old orange I just threw out. He's not a ghost. No ghost. Fruit fly.

The other problem I have with these shows was recently summed up by Joe. He doesn't watch with me but catches bits by osmosis. "Why be a ghost hunter if you're scared out of your skin?" he asked. Excellent point. It was probabaly "Most Haunted" on the Travel Channel. This one takes place in the UK, they visit centuries-old castles and mansions, mental hospitals and jails. Yvette, the main investigator, just seems to be peeing her pants the whole time, which is interesting when you consider that one of her clairvoyants, Derek, is so clearly a big fat faker that you just WANT a real ghost to come screeching out of the wall and scare the piss out of them. Oh and Derek gets possessed, too. Howling and writhing in the most overly dramatic, comical way. Come to think of it I haven't seen Derek on there in awhile. Maybe not since Hugh Laurie's splendid farting spoof of him on SNL. Fake!

The guys on "Ghost Hunters" also drive me up a wall. Not the main guys, Jason and Grant, they're enjoyable. It's their team. I believe I watched it from day one, when it was pretty much just Jason and Grant. Two buddies hunting ghosts. They are the founders of TAPS, whose whole mission is debunking. So they'd drive out to someone's house in their van -- oh, I forgot to mention, it's a Roto-Rooter van, they're plumbers by day! Or rather, they were. They're probably making enough Sci Fi Channel money now to have quit unclogging septic tanks all day. Anyway, they'd drive out to a house or hotel that had reports of paranormal activity and they'd set up their gear. Out of the Roto-Rooter van would come cameras, heat sensors, motion sensors, thermo-sensors. They would basically just try to find scientific explanations for whatever activity was reported. That's all fine and good -- my problem with Ghost Hunters is the yahoos Jason and Grant hired on to help. Now they've got this sprawling crew of goofy, reactionary dunderheads. These people need to understand -- why am I watching "Ghost Hunters"? Because I like spooky stuff! There's just something decidedly UN-spooky about a dork in a backwards baseball hat, cargo pants and a hoodie, swinging a digital multimeter around a playroom shouting "If yah heah, make yahself known...knawk awn somethin'....dood 'djyou heah dat? Aw dood..."

Not spooky. Stupid.

Not to be outdone by The Travel Channel and Sci Fi, The Discovery Channel has been showing "A Haunting." I must say I saw one of these and didn't realize it was a series. I thought it was just the one. But now, it's been going for a couple of years now and, more like a "Most Wanted" type of thing, it uses re-enactments to tell the story, interspersing that with actual interviews with the people. That's always fun, seeing the actors they get to play the parts of the real haunted folks. These poor people -- if this show is to be believed, there's a haunted house or apartment on every street. And it's not just the "It's cold in this spot, hey did you hear that?" kind of hauntings. I'm talking the blood seeping from walls, possessed kids, disembodied "GET OUT!" kinds of hauntings. Jeez.

Maybe there's a lot more haunted places than I thought. I'll tell you what, there's a lot more ghost hunters than I thought! A few weeks ago I went to see the premiere of an indie film called "14 Degrees - A Paranormal Documentary." It was okay. It's a documentary about ghost hunters, mediums and clairvoyants. Lots of interviews interspersed with tales of haunted houses, you know the kind of thing. As each person appeared on the screen it also showed their name and associated society. Oh my GOD. I tried to Google some when I got home and was immediatley lost in the mire. There's New England Paranormal. Not to be confused with Paranormal Research Society of New England, Paranormal Investigators of New England or New England Society of Paranormal Investigators. There's also New England Paranormal Video Research Group, New England ParaResearch & Investigation Team, New England Ghosts and New England Anomalies Research & Investigations. That last one, in the film, showed a lead investigator, Sandra, on video during a seance with green orbs flying about her face.

She says they weren't bugs.

It's an okay movie, but there's a definite aroma of amateur about it. For one thing, the director himself has more screen time than anyone else. Dude, um, shouldn't all that self-interview stuff YOU had to say be said by the narrator you hired? Or better yet, save your footage for the "extras" part of the DVD? It's weird. You've got members of every ghost hunting related foundation possible (there's even a Ghost Hunter guy in it) yet you need to be in the movie, too?

Also, the whole movie was much, much too long. I went with someone who'd been given free tickets, and we stayed for about 90 minutes and it didn't show any signs of ending, so we left. I later looked it up. There was another FORTY minutes to go after we left! Dude. Seriously. Edit that shit down.

Other than the director being in it too much and the insane length, it was okay. Good storytelling, somewhat interesting interviews...with the five hundred gazillion ghost hunters that we New Englanders apparently need.

Who you gonna call, indeed.