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I thought, since I hadn�t talked to any of my family much since my surgery (I like to quip that I don't have the GUTS for it...get it?) that I�d call some of them. In order to make the Herculean mental effort to call Maggie, I'd first need to clear the hurdle of getting her new number from my mother. So I started there.

I got my mom on the second ring. �I have a henna in my hair. It looks like dogshit all over the bathroom!� she burbled happily. "Could I call you back when I get a little more organized?" When I picked up her call later, she explained what was on her mind succinctly and, I thought, rather calmly: "My hair is green.�

"On purpose? I mean like for Halloween or..."

"No it's the henna! It turned it green."

"HOW green? On a scale of sprouts to grass, how green?"

�Light like a smoky green. A very pastel green. It�s healthy and shiny and all, I mean ya know, it's a henna...but it�s green."

We deduced that she didn't leave it in long enough. "Now I gotta go to the store and get a box of something to cover it. OH my god, the carpenter is downstairs. I don�t want to freak him out. I said, �Oh I�ll be upstairs, putting a little color in my hair��"

We talked about all the stuff going on...Hub and Kelly, Joe, my writing, lack of money, her consignment boutique, my brother's upcoming series, and Elvis dying. "He was a good cat and you gave him a good life," she assured. "Dying is part of living. It�s part of life. He lived a good life. I can�t believe my hair is green."

Then her other line beeped and, against all odds, she was going to "get the other line...hopefully�here we go!" Oh brother...

One of the things that cracks up JoAnna is my application of movie dialogue to our real lives. Like the two of us gazing forlornly at her tightly-packed station wagon on our way to one of her art shows in the Village, trying to figure out how much weight the little car's roof can hold. "We're gonna need a bigger boat." For some reason, this kind of thing sends her into hysterics.

This scene, my mother trying to "get the other line," is right out of Mother starring Albert Brooks and Debbie Reynolds.

"*click* Hello?"

"It's still me, Mother."

"*click* Hello?"

"Still me, Mother."

"*click* Hello?"

"You do this all day, don't you?"

"*click* Hello?"

"Why do you even pay for this feature?"