big fucking Q

(March 06, 2003)

Heh. I was just gonna look up a quote, thought I'd find some site that carried some over-eager cyber puppy's approximation of one or two lines of Denis Leary's NyQuil rant. But I found the entire freakin' No Cure for Cancer transcript. Damn. You don't have to read it, I'm just sayin'...it's interesting that it exists in the world. Rent the video, though. Call me first though, 'cuz I'd like to see it again.

This kills me:

"I don't do illegal drugs any more. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroin. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took the NyQuil five years ago, I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show! Claus Von Bulow was standing over my bed going, "Denis, get up! There's something the matter with Sonny! Hurry up!" I love NyQuil, man. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it. It's the best shit ever invented. Isn't it, huh? I love the name alone. NyQuil--Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q, don't you? What a great advertising idea. Put a huge fucking Q on the box. They'll get high and stare at it. "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"

I love NyQuil, man. 'Cause NyQuil has never changed, man. It's never changed. All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing. "We know that there's a small child inside of you, so now we have grape and cherry and orange flavor." Not NyQuil! They still have the original green-death fucking flavor! You know why? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like! It's so strong you go, "(wheeze) Hey, this stuff really tastes like . . ." Bang! You're in the coma already! "What happened?" "He said 'tastes like' and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!" We have reached the point where the over-the-counter drugs are actually stronger than anything you can buy on the street. It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says, "May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any fucking plans, okay? Kiss your family and friends good-bye. Say hello to Claus!" NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you, you giant fucking Q!

NyQuil is the secret for all you twelve-step recovery program people. Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key! It's the thirteenth fucking step! You can drink it! It's over the counter! Drink as much as you want. "Are you drunk?" "No. I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years--I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking Christmas!"