Obscured By Clouds

(November 05, 2002)

"Lexi, remember when I snarted during the Algebra II exam?"

"Dude, I would never forget the Fart Amplifying Chair�, are you kidding?" I wasn't actually there, but I heard about it right after, and moreover, I've been hearing about the Fart Amplifying Chair� for fifteen years. And it just keeps getting funnier. In fact, the Fart Amplifying Chair� might be THE funniest fart story Hub has, and Hub has some seriously funny fart stories.

There's the time Hub's dad was watching the boys. After lunch Hub's dad took him and his little friend Mike, at age thirteen or thereabouts, to the movies. The only thing was, the Pritikin-alicious food in Hub's household (the kids weren't allowed any sugar, even) was completely different than the regular old burgers-and-salad kind of stuff Mike's mom fed him. Hub's dad had made beans and rice for lunch that day. Mike's stomach said, "WHAT THE HELL?" and so of course he farted, violently, constantly, all through the movie. "I did not hear any of that movie," recalls Hub. "People actually got up and moved. It was constant, Mike just could not stop. My dad-- who, you remember, freely farts and doesn't even acknowledge it-- just glared at us. Me and Mike laughed our asses off." The movie? Blue Thunder.

Then one time, around fourth grade, Hub farted in class, and just then a coat in the closet fell off its peg. "I farted a coat off the hook," he says glumly. "Did anybody laugh?" I ask. "No, it was kind of an SBVD."

It kills me. It seriously does. But nothing compares...high school...the reverent hush of an Algebra II exam...

"A FINAL exam," he reminds me. "Meaning there were about a hundred people because they opened all the pods up!" Our high school had these pods... it's kind of hard to explain (right Lola?).

"Why don't you call it a SNART Amplifying Chair?"

"Because the snart was just unfortunate. I could have held in the fart if I didn't have to sneeze. At the very least I'd have been able to sneak it out. The problem was that the chair magnified the sound. It's like specifically designed to send a fart resonating through the whole room."

There's speculation about a group of bitter Seating Specialist Technicians who were picked-on in high school, trying to exact their revenge with this chair design.

"Let's examine what goes into this chair," explains Hub.

"I think the hole is so you can pick up the chair."

"...but why would they put it so far down on the chair? There's only one reason for that! Fart channel! It's the patented VaporVent design! The FumeFunl! What's more insidious, it acts like the port hole on a speaker. It's designed to make the chair resonate at optimum fart frequency. Plus, consider the acoustic qualities of the plastic they chose to use. It basically makes your fart sound like a rubber band hitting the chair repeatedly."

snart: intr.v. snart-ed, snart-ing
1. To forcibly emit mucus from the nose
in an explosive spasm, triggering an involuntary,
audible expulsion of intestinal gas through the anus
2. An unlucky sneeze/fart combination
resulting in dangerously violent laughing fit in
adjacently placed fellow humans

SBVD: adj.
Silent But Very Deadly

One Cheek Sneak: v.
Self-explanatory, no?