How Come You Never Hear About a Sequitor?

(May 22, 2002)

So Jungle Sweet Jungle turned over to 10,000 hits today. Thank you all for coming. Please come again. We'll have pie.

For the past two months, I have pretty much eliminated carbohydrates from my diet. That means no bread and no pasta, people. I have been avoiding packaged foods like cookies, crackers, and salty snacks. NO SODA, not even diet. No butter, no gravies, no ice cream. I've been eating protein and grains and raw vegetables and fruits and "good fats" like nuts, seeds, and avocados. I have been drinking a LOT of water daily and taking vitamins. I FEEL better. But then I stepped on the scale yesterday. I didn't step on the scale before this because we did not own one. So I stepped on the scale yesterday. And it shows that I've GAINED TEN POUNDS. Today for lunch I ate a cheeseburger and fries and a Diet Coke and a brownie. It was really good. But I feel very sick right now.

"There is nothing perverted about sexuality," I retorted. In my head I thought, "am I really having this discussion?" Last Friday at the Middle East, while waiting for Shred to announce who won the Rumble, Kier was joking around about wanting to become more like a pervert outwardly, instead of the impossibly nice guy that he is. The nice guys don't get the women, etc. (All of this is part of Kier's brilliantly crafted art of seduction, but shhhh! you didn't hear it from me). Then Laura said, "Lexi can help you there." It was a joke and she didn't mean anything by it, but this has been sticking in my craw for six days. Do people really use this word so casually? Is this why my Cynthia von Buhler interview got so much attention? WHO in this day and age is still so freaked out by women's sexuality that it's called perverted? I'm not a fucking pervert. Yes, I love everything about sex. I enjoy discussing orgasms, comparing erogenous zones, and I'm not even the slightest bit embarrassed about the obvious fact that pornography is titillating. I use words like titillating. I'm an expert in what's available in the world of vibrators and dildos. I see women as beautiful and desirable. Of course I love men. None of this is perversion. I'm not a whore or a pedophile or a rapist. Perversion implies what's aberrant, devient, disgusting. Healthy sexuality is to be celebrated, not insulted. Open your minds, people. (For the record, Laura is very open-minded. This was just a bad choice of terminology, in my opinion. She'll probably IM me right now and say "Yes you are too.")

The fact that I looked at Hub and said, "I'm going to stay at Laura's for a few weeks" and that he said "That sounds like a good idea" is fairly indicative of the fact that I really need to stay at Laura's for a weeks. So here's what's going to happen. I'm going to stay at Laura's for a few weeks.

My boss just asked me to produce something and I have no idea how to do it. I mean I have not the slightest inkling. You see, I have a kind of role in this place, where it is understood that, where others have failed, give it to me and I'll make it happen. I wear large combat boots and people seem to be afraid of me. But in this case, I have no idea what to do. Why didn't I simply say, "That is beyond my expertise, I don't know how to do it." I could have. But he looked so pitiful and red-faced and anxious while he was telling me what he wanted (something that he's been trying to get out of someone else for months) that I just nodded and said, "Mm hmm. Okay. Mm hmm. By Friday? Okay," and industriously wrote notes. Now what, Einstein? Anybody out there know how to compile a write-off package and trend it by Premium and Non-Premium customer, showing contracted and non-contracted, invoice dates and collection, from January to date? Anyone?