Riddle Me This, Batman

(February 28, 2002)

I wish I knew all the answers. To all the questions.

Well, maybe not ALL the questions. I seem to recall a Sci-fi story in which some guy wished for omniscience and it went very very badly. Granted, Sci-fi exists primarily to illustrate the folly of the ever-present human/god complex. That, and to provide a raison d'etre for buxom Amazons frollicking in the celluloid desert wearing shiny micro-tunics and low-slung tasers.

But mostly it's the god thing. And I believe the desert is now, in fact, digital.

But I digress. I mean to say, we human animals always need reminding to handle GENTLY the delicate fabric of the universe, both real and perceived. Animals don't need this reminding. Food, water, sex, sleep and they're happy. For us higher life forms, it's like, there's this sort of hazy twilight zone where the mighty and the moral wake up in each other's arms. It's that mesmerizing academic courtyard that demands discussion. Discussion that is at first tentatively rhetorical, then frighteningly actual as the 'fi' succombs to the 'sci' decade by decade. Discussion about what we CAN do versus what we SHOULD do versus what we think would be rilly rilly COOL to do if we could, y'know, travel in time and become invisible and read minds and stuff like that. Replicate DNA. Swap body parts. Split the atom. Stuff like that.

So in that Sci-fi story, I think the guy wanted to mind-meld with Knowledge. Like if he picked up a teriyaki barbecued chicken leg he'd automatically know the recipe. If he touched the Lincoln Memorial he'd instantly know the history in staggering detail. In the last scene, as I recall, he entered a library and his head exploded.

But I digress. I have no interest in that kind of power. I just wanna know some stuff.

How much coffee is TOO much?

With what body part do cats make that purring sound?

Why does a smell instantly bring back memories you didn't know you had?

How come the room appears to be spinning when I'm drunk?

Is there such a thing as a soulmate?

If there are only twelve notes in the western tonal scale, won't we run out of all the possible ways of combining them into songs?

Will we EVER finally go metric in this lazy ass country?

Well? Huh?