Olfactory Recall

(February 01, 2002)

The elevator smelled like pancakes and ass this morning. The smell of pancakes would not be so bad on its own, even when out of place in an elevator. In general, I like pancakes. But the breakfasty aroma of maple syrup and butter doesn't go with ass at ALL. Not that smelling ass is ever a positive experience, but there's places you EXPECT to smell ass. Like the bathroom at The Abbey. When you can brace yourself for smelling ass, it's at least tolerable. Ass happens. But the shiny mirrored elevator that carries you up four floors to your workplace should never smell like ass. Or pancakes. And especially not at the same time. And especially not when you get in, say "Oh, pancakes, how nice" only to be blindsided by eau de ass just as the doors are closing.

If I'd smelled the ass first, I'd have dashed out of that elevator and waited for the next one. Or taken the stairs. But the harmless pancake smell seemed to be on one side of the elevator while the offensive ass odor was kind of lurking on the other, so when I entered the elevator I encountered the Sphere of Pancake first. But by the time I'd pressed the button for 4, the Ass Factor had permeated and the doors had closed. There was nothing I could do. I was trapped.

I pulled my scarf over my nose and pressed 4 a whole lot. Repeatedly jabbing at an elevator button that's already lit does not, in case you wondered, make the elevator actually travel any faster. I'm sure my squinting, mumbling and crazed button jabbing at least entertained Nortel security. I just hope they pixelate my face when I end up on Fox for The World's Dumbest Security Videos Part IV.

I have issues with other people's smells, whether they fart in the elevator or eat their egg salad on the bus. Or spray their hairspray in my cubicle. Or change their baby or exhale fetid dragon breath on me.

Hub claims that my sense of smell is freakishly over-acute. He says that it's most perceptive when I have my period. I don't know about that, all I know is that I smell something all the time. From two rooms away I'll yell at him to "PUT those slippers in the WASH!" And I can pinpoint who's wearing Estee Lauder perfume in a crowded train station. Estee Lauder perfume is putrid, especially the one called Pleasure. Right now, recalling the smell of Pleasure, my nostrils are flaring and tingling with a weird kind of sensory burn-memory.

Pleasure burns my nose.

Oh, and people have very distinctive scent signatures that I can tell apart in a dark room. Hypothetically. I mean, I've never gathered all my friends into a dark room for a sniff test or anything. But for example, at Ramona Silver's show at the Lizard last week? I turned around because I knew, absolutely, that Bleu was standing right behind me. No doubt. And he was. I smelled him before I saw him.

What, that's not normal?

Some people don't smell like anything, but some are like, amazingly potent. Bleu is mild, a little soapy, but not as soapy as this guy Paul that I work with, who, if I ask him one more time what kind of shampoo, laundry detergent, after shave, and deoderant he uses is going to begin to fear me. And Aaron, who doesn't fear me because he should be used to my...me-ness...by now, smells like vanilla cookies or some kind of cocoa butter. Whatever set of products he uses blend to a very distinctive scent. When he comes over the cats smell like that for a week. And one time at TT's, while talking to Ad I said, "Is that you that smells so nice?" "No, I think it's Leah!" he said. And this beautiful woman turns around...it's Leah Callahan, oh lord. Only one of the most beautiful (and nicest, I found out just then) women in town. I'd been a fan of hers since I saw her belt out "Fairies Wear Boots" with her old band, but I'd never said hi or anything. And what first impression do I make on her? First, I stare at her. Because she is soooo...

...I am SO GAY.

And then I say:

"You smell wonderful."

Yes, this is why I shouldn't be allowed out of the house.

(Animated Assface gif is Millan's, unbelievable Leah photo is Eric Johansen's. Click to their sites, you'll have fun there).