One Good Turn. That's All I Ask.

(April 06, 2001)

7:30 am, at work. This is a horrible time of day for anything but sleeping. At least the drive in was quiet. By the way, I've become a honker. The new car has a horn you can sort of punch, to get a short honk that says, "move it." If you punch it three or four times (I dubbed this my "Stupid Staccato"), well, that says, "move it, you utterly worthless waste of carbon, can't you see it's been green for five seconds?"

This morning I only honked once, turning left into Somerville Ave. A green light, and the woman in front of me started to turn and then must have been struck retarded, because she couldn't seem to negotiate the hand-eye-foot coordination required to step on the gas and turn the wheel, both at the same time. That's a pretty common Massachusetts thing, I've noticed. In Connecticut, drivers insist on going 45 in the left lane. In New York...well, forget about it. In Massachusetts, nobody knows how to turn. There's the retardo-turn that I encountered this morning, and then there's this doozy:

1) Approach a left turn. Do not signal under any circumstances.
2) Swing out to the right to get "momentum." Don't worry about the cars that were beginning to go around you when they saw you intended to turn left, they'll screech to a halt. This is normal, do not be alarmed by the honking and yelling.
3) Take foot off gas and place foot on the brake.
4) Signal left now (optional)
5) Take foot off brake and slowly creep into the turn. No need for gas, you'll get there eventually.

I wouldn't mind waiting around for people who can't turn, but some of the turns on my drive are the dreaded "left arrow." You can't futz around with the Left Green Arrow. When you see the Left Green Arrow, you gotta Go Go Go! Like the one at the end of Mass Ave, to turn onto Route 16. It's red red red, and then a very VERY short window of opportunity when the Left Green Arrow pops on. I've never timed it, but it can't be green for more than ten seconds. So many drivers-- mostly tightly buttoned-up, hair-sprayed moms in minivans-- sit there drooling and gaping for... what feels like an endless amount of time...before they follow the friendly little Left Green Arrow's advice and GO. Every time this happens, I wonder what is taking so long. Is it really a thought process? Do they really need to stare at the Left Green Arrow, absorb its meaning, process all possible conclusions, look around to see what the other drivers think...oh forget it honey, by now I've honked the Stupid Staccato in F minor and am most likely conducting the one-instrument Toyota concerto with a very specific finger.