Because Only Cartoon Cats Can Drive

(February 3, 2001)

"BA BING BONG!" insisted the doorbell.

"Crap!" I mentioned.

I'd just taken out my lenses. Who is ringing my be e e e ll, ringing my bell, my bell? Ringa ringa ringa?

I go to the door, blind, and open it to a whoosh of February night air and a brown blur. It's either the UPS guy ("the" UPS guy, like there's only one) or else it's someone who loves to wear brown and walk around with boxes and a video game.

"Dolphin Gafoya," says the brown blur, or something like that, and pushes the video game into my hands. I deduce that he had just said "Got something for you" and that I'm supposed to sign the video game, which turns out to be his electronic pad. The old e-pads were the size of a legal pad, and you signed the signature box at the top of the unit. This one is about the size of a VHS video tape, and he'd handed it to me so the signature box was at the bottom. It looks upside down. I turn it around so the signature box would be at the top of the unit.

"Updside down, ma'am."

"Oh, I uh...mumble mumble," I mumbled. Something about the old e-pad and contact lenses and blindness.

I trade him the e-pad for a small box, shut the door, and do a quick snout count. Four cats, good.

"Mrow," says Casey, dancing around my feet. "Mmmmm....mmmrrrr," he coos at me. I goose step over him as we weave down the hall, Casey taking extra care to put his little orange body directly in the spot my foot would normally fall. "Come on, man!" We both make it to the living room without breaking anything, and I put the box down on the floor. I go to the kitchen for scissors, but Casey gets right to work, scratching and pawing at the tape.

"Gimme!" I advise. He climbs off the box, climbs me and waits while I cut the tape and remove the packing to reveal two large GE Energy Saving light bulbs. "It's two large GE Energy Saving lightbulbs," I tell him. He sniffs the two large GE Energy Saving light bulbs and gives me two large exaggerated blinks. I know that blink. He blames me because it's only light bulbs. He jumps into the box and makes himself into a small cuddle, peeking out from the packing.

He'll be in there for hours.

Obviously that cat has placed an order for something. I wonder if it will ever arrive.