The Truth About Flats and Clogs

(December 18, 2000)

The question is not IF I'm going to buy shoes; of COURSE I'm going to buy shoes. The question is when, where, and what kind.

The compulsion to buy new shoes is predictable and must be dealt with, like hunger pangs. Sure, you can ignore it for awhile, but eventually you're going to need to grab a bagel.

People without "a shoe thing" don't understand people with "a shoe thing." If a Non-Shoe Buyer wants to wear black pants, she'll think "I have a pair of black shoes already." Shoe-Buyers understand that having the right shoe has very little to do with color; to have the right shoe at all times, certainly color must be considered, but cross-referenced by style, height, comfort, material, and outfit. Questions must be asked. Research done. What kind of pants are they? Are they jeans or slacks? Are the shoes flat or high? Are there straps? How long will you be standing? For example, my black high-heeled fabric pumps with the silver buckle accent a starched, formal look and are perfect for pants worn at business meetings. I could never wear my black high-heeled leather Mary Janes with that same outfit, on that same day. (Mary Janes don't even go with pants at all, unless perhaps they're capri style pants. But even that's a stretch, as the Mary Janes really need socks or tights, which could look downright silly with capris).

This kind of Shoe Logic is lost on Non-Shoe Buyers.

Some apparent Shoe Buyers are really only Shoe Hoarders. Hoarders are not the same as Buyers, because Hoarders don't understand the shoe. Oh sure, they're attracted to the shoe in the store, under ambient lights, and compared to all the other shoes around it. They try it out, take it for a walk. They watch to see if strangers admire the shoe. They decide it's the perfect shoe for them. They gurgle and coo at the shoe and pledge lifelong commitment. They bring the shoe home. They tell their friends all about the shoe-- how perfect it is, how right, how they can't believe they found it! Then, something happens. It's never "the right time" to wear the shoe. Out of a sense of duty, they take the shoe out once or twice. But secretly, they go out to look at other shoes and leave the shoe to sit home, rejected. They know (though they don't come right out and admit it) that they're unhappy with the shoe. They grow distant from the shoe. It doesn't take long before they don't even acknowledge the shoe, and if they happen to pass the shoe in the closet they shun it. The shoe gets old and dusty. Some time later, maybe years later, the shoe gets tossed into the Goodwill bag with some old outdated, ill-fitting garments.

To avoid being a Hoarder, you must understand the shoe. That is, not so much ensuring that the shoe is right for you, but that you are right for the shoe. Consider this common pitfall: you're at a club and you see a tall, leggy lead singer of a punk rock band in a pair of bubblegum pink vinyl Go-Go boots that match her bubblegum pink vinyl dress. You LOVE the look. She ROCKS. Do you go out and get yourself a pair of bubblegum pink vinyl Go-Go boots? If you said, "Yes!" then you're either fourteen years old, are unemployed, or you yourself have a punk rock band. Otherwise, you will buy the bubblegum pink vinyl Go-Go boots and you will hoard them, dearie. In three years you'll wear them again, when you get a black wig and buttless chaps and go to a Halloween party as Cher.

Hoard-avoidance isn't as hard as it seems. For me, I have a specific set of rules that I keep in mind, so that when I am tempted by that sexy Mediterranean Blue Sarong Thong, I can bear up under the temptation. To wit:

1) Zero toe cleavage tolerance
2) No "toe floss"
3) If nylons, tights or socks are expected to be worn, no open heel or toe (Birkenstock exception applies)
4) Foot must fit comfortably on the footbed, not fall off the back or sides or, god help us, the front (not only is this poor girl falling out of her shoes, she's guilty of #3 as well. Awful, just awful)

You will have your own set of rules, of course, but feel free to abide by mine. Oh, and about those buttless chaps you just bought...

Shoe pics from Maria's Shoe Closet