Video meliora proboque; deteriora sequor

(December 12, 2000)

"Like all other human beings, I know what I ought to do, but continue to do what I know I oughtn't to do." (Aldous Huxley)

I have started and stopped writing so so SO many times since the last session that I am just lost as to what to do next.

You see, this Diaryland thing...it's just an appetizer. It's a jumpstart, really. What I do is, I sit down and open up a vein, just a scratch, really, to get the blood flowing. Some seedling of an idea, some continuation of a thought, I get to slam out here in this forum, then-- like siphoning gas into a can-- I turn to some other more purposeful writing.

But not lately. Because I'm too tired. And cranky, overworked, tense, angry, and did I mention tired? What's happened (again) is that I've let my job overpower my life. When I started at my company, I was just a kid. The Wonder Kid, I worked my ass off, never taking any personal days, always impressing the shorts off everybody. It was about two years ago that I said, "What am I doing?" I had just been offered a promotion rolled up in a transfer to the west coast office. I said "No" to that promotion. I realized that I'd been grinding away on this trajectory of...okay, boring myself. Long story short: I'm starting to revert to my old ways: never having fun, working all the time. I need to remember that this is just a job. I didn't intend to do this forever.