About That Gift Of Life I Gave You...

(July 17, 2000)

There is no guilt like Catholic Italian guilt. Especially in the arena of FAMILY OBLIGATION� -- and especially among the women.

My Jewish friends challenge me on this, insisting that THEIR mothers are in the very dictionary under "guilt trip." They say I could live a hundred years and never feel guiltier than they do. But I stand firm on my point: Italian mothers take the cake�er, the cannoli when it comes to laying on the guilt.

Not to belittle the experiences of my friends-- we all know the Jewish mom serves up guilt with a great big ladle. It's well-chronicled in the media. The Nanny and Seinfeld pop into my head. Don't laugh because "it's only TV." Don't you know that once you squeeze our cultural orange, we live the juice and watch the pulp on TV?

Lemme tell ya something: Catholic Italian guilt differs from Jewish guilt in an evil, sinister way. Where Jewish guilt is as obvious as the nose on your face, Italian guilt is like some sort of emotional Trojan horse. YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING. You can't prepare. It just mows you under, and when you finally realize what happened, you're too far along on the guilt trip to turn back. What's worse, you never had a chance to pack your bags, so you don't have anything you need. Like a baseball bat. Or arsenic.

"But Lexi, whatever do you mean? Your mom is so SWEET, and your gramma-- why I could just eat her up, she's so cute!"

Aha, that's just it, kiddies. Italian guilt is Guilt in Sheep's Clothing. It's disguised as "taking an interest in your life" or "caring about you." Or, worst of all: "Advice!" To illustrate what Italian guilt is all about, let's do this exercise:

You've been sending your 86 year old grandma in the next state flowers for Easter, her birthday, and Mother's Day, every year since you had your own income. Every single time, she yells at you for spending the money. You dread this, because she never thanks you, never says anything other than, "HONEY, I TOL' you not to spend the money! You don't LISTEN. I don' need flowers!" You want her to have the flowers, just to know you're thinking about her and to brighten her apartment. But she gets pretty upset, and getting yelled at is no fun for you, either. In order to satisfy her, do you:

A) stop sending the flowers

B) keep sending the flowers

C) send flowers once in awhile

D) Quit your job, give up your whole life, move in with her, work as a waitress in your cousin's restaurant, and give your paycheck to your grandma.

Most of you are probably totally confused by D). What, you thought this was about flowers?

If you're Jewish (and therefore already guilt-ridden) you probably picked D), and you'd be close-- but wrong. The actual answer is:

E) Get therapy.

Confused? Read the question again. It says, "In order to satisfy her�"

Though you have no choice but to embark on a mission to find something, somewhere on this green earth that would SATISFY such a woman, you won't. You might as well go looking for unicorns in Atlantis.

And that, my friends, is why there's not enough therapy in the world. Eat this, it'll make you feel better.