Tea for 200

(July 8, 2000)

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go buy fish.

Right, fish.

Just fish, no tea, got it?

Yup, fish, no tea, I got it.

If it's at the FISH counter and looks like FISH, y'know with the gills and all, and we can grill it in a light garlic-soy marinade, buy it. If it's crushed dried leaves that need boiling and can be diffused with lemon or milk, KEEP WALKING.

Okay, no leaves, gills-- I got it.

Godspeed.

*********************

This little drama play serves to illustrate to you, future reader, that I really wonder sometimes what the hell is my problem. I, who have a pretty consistent (and prob'ly annoying) habit of snickering at cheap adverstising ploys and hokey promo copy, am a sucker for the guys at Lipton, Celestial Seasonings, and Twinings. I just can't walk by the stuff.

I have ELEVEN boxes of tea in my kitchen right now. Some loose leaves, some in your standard bag model. I have apple cranberry, cranberry apple, and apple spice. I have Earl Grey regular AND decaf. I have Roast-a-roma, St. John's Wort, and no less than three of the Zingers. I have green tea. I have something dried in an unmarked baggie that may be tea but could very well be some sort of decayed vegetable matter of questionable origin.

In the tea aisle in any store, I'm mesmerized. All the boxes, all the fruits and herbs and extracts and promises, lined up, stacked up, floor to ceiling, beckoning! It's impossible to resist, I tell ya.

"Sleepytime is like coming home to find a friend waiting for you by the fire..."

"St. John's Wort, once believed to have magical properties, is formulated to bring balance, to find equilibrium and harmony..."

"Ginseng root extract is known to assist the body in adapting physical and emotional stress and fatigue..."

"...create a lullaby of tender flavor to soothe your senses..."

"...dried whole lemons blended with hibiscus, rosehips, and lemon grass create a zippy sensation...

I wonder if anybody would come if I were to throw a TEA, y'know like in some Oscar play? A theme party, with invitations and all. I could call it "The Importance of Being Slow Roasted to Perfection." We could all make paradoxical observations about society and politics and flirt with each other's men. And drink tea.

As if people don't think I'm weird enough.